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The Onion


Sunday, November 18, 2018 5:00 pm
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Friday, November 16, 2018 1:27 pm

Nov. 18 marks 20 years since the debut of The Powerpuff Girls, the Craig McCracken-created cartoon that follows three kindergarten-aged girls with superpowers. The Onion looks back at the beloved show on its 20th anniversary.

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Friday, November 16, 2018 1:19 pm
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Friday, November 16, 2018 12:29 pm

NEW YORK--Heralding the 2,200-year-old fired-clay container as a priceless addition to one of the world's largest collections of same, the Metropolitan Museum of Art held a press conference Friday to announce the acquisition of yet another vase. "We're more than thrilled to add one more intricately designed vase from...

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Friday, November 16, 2018 12:01 pm

An FBI report found that the number of reported hate crimes increased by 17 percent in 2017, with a notable 37 percent surge in anti-Jewish incidents. What do you think?

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Friday, November 16, 2018 11:30 am

TULSA, OK--Pausing very briefly to reflect joyfully on her new role amid the day's flurry of activity, new parent Suzanne Knott declared "becoming a mother has been the most thrilling experience of my life" Friday while fleeing the hospital with the baby she abducted mere moments before. "The very first moment I held...

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Friday, November 16, 2018 10:36 am

DENVER--Seemingly oblivious to the fact that Prohibition had ended roughly 85 years ago, a group of patrons attending a speakeasy Friday were apparently unaware that it is legal to go to regular bars again. "I guess they still haven't realized that they don't need to sneak around to buy alcohol, or go to a place with a...

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Friday, November 16, 2018 10:31 am

ANGERS, FRANCE--Expressing their contrition over the unfortunate incident, a team of archeologists from the Smithsonian Institution held a press conference Friday to apologize after discovering the last remaining Neanderthal and then immediately murdering him in a fit of crazed bloodlust. "The entire team is deeply...

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Friday, November 16, 2018 9:24 am
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Friday, November 16, 2018 9:02 am

MINNEAPOLIS--In an effort to enhance the grooming experience at the company's more than 2,400 locations, Supercuts announced Friday that they are now offering customer baths starting at $14.99. "Just because we provide great bathing value doesn't mean we have to skip out on any of the tubside amenities our clients...

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Friday, November 16, 2018 8:56 am

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA--Expressing concerns about losing out on hard-earned blood money, a member of the Khashoggi assassination squad admitted Friday that he hoped his bonus check from the Saudi Crown Prince cleared before his execution. "They said they would do direct deposit, so everything should be good by Monday,"...

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Friday, November 16, 2018 8:22 am
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Thursday, November 15, 2018 2:10 pm

BEIJING--In an effort to reduce the risk of overpopulation within the Muslim ethnic group, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced the decision Thursday to implement a new one-Uighur policy. "This new policy is an important step in keeping the Uighur population down to a number we find most manageable and best for the...

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Thursday, November 15, 2018 1:52 pm
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Thursday, November 15, 2018 1:47 pm

In a recent interview, A Song of Ice And Fire author George R.R. Martin admitted that the plot's expansiveness and the pressures of expectations have caused him to struggle with the Game Of Thrones new book The Winds Of Winter. What do you think?

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Thursday, November 15, 2018 12:59 pm

AVONDALE, OH--Confessing that her grief was somewhat moderated by seeing events play out exactly as she had warned, local mother Deborah Klein said Thursday she felt somewhat vindicated upon learning that her teenage daughter Rachel, after staying out later than parental rules allowed, had been murdered. "Sure,...

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Thursday, November 15, 2018 12:08 pm
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Thursday, November 15, 2018 11:42 am

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA--Working with cleaning crews alongside the Riyadh-Dammam Highway, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman began serving his 100 hours of court-ordered community service Thursday for murdering journalist Jamal Khashoggi. "Well, I'll admit it--I got mixed up with the wrong people and I did some bad...

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Thursday, November 15, 2018 10:55 am

WASHINGTON--A report released Thursday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that underfunded American public schools, most of which lack even the most basic support systems, were producing students who were perfectly prepared for the remainder of their dismal public and professional lives. "We found daily...

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Thursday, November 15, 2018 10:46 am

NEW YORK--Praising the media outlet for helping relieve them of their albatross, the wealth-burdened nation expressed gratitude Thursday to America's Finest News Source for giving them the opportunity to spend money at the recently-launched Onion store. "These mugs and T-shirts bearing the Onion logo shall finally free...

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