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The Onion


Monday, May 21, 2018 2:31 pm

Bill Gates revealed that President Trump asked him on two separate occasions if there was any difference between HIV--short for human immunodeficiency virus--and HPV--the human papillomavirus--two viruses that have very little to do with each other outside of their similar acronyms. What do you think?

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Monday, May 21, 2018 7:44 am

For those holding out hope that the infamous pee tape will eventually surface and expose President Trump for the depraved monster he truly is, sadly it's now looking like, if anything, the video will only make him more popular than ever: According to new intel from sources close to Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the...

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Monday, May 21, 2018 12:06 pm

TAMPA, FL--Condemning the senseless and unnecessary nature of the slow-developing tragedy in the strictest possible terms, local authorities reported Monday that numerous bystanders failed to intervene as area man Brian Meehan went about his life. "Despite Mr. Meehan living his day-to-day life in clear view, many...

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Monday, May 21, 2018 11:29 am

LOS ANGELES--Far-right media outlet Breitbart News refused Monday to release the names of the 10 dead and 13 wounded in the Santa Fe High School mass shooting, saying that doing so would only give the victims exactly what they wanted. "We're not going to give these victims the satisfaction of seeing their names and...

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Monday, May 21, 2018 11:19 am

SEATTLE, WA--In an effort to restore the company's battered image in the wake of recent controversies, desperate Starbucks officials openly begged Monday for people to masturbate and use drugs in the coffee shop chain's restrooms. "Please, just come in and do whatever the hell you want in the bathroom--feel free to...

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Monday, May 21, 2018 11:04 am
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Monday, May 21, 2018 10:27 am

ITHACA, NY--A report published Monday by the Cornell University Department of Sociology revealed that all the other races are coming to take your stuff, and furthermore, they are coming soon. "Based on our research, Americans should know that every race outside of their own has been planning to take their stuff for a...

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Monday, May 21, 2018 9:59 am

In a free press, journalists must expose the truth even if it upsets those in power. Our work often leads to significant backlash, and we at The Onion are no strangers to receiving threats of legal action. While we generally dismiss them as the baseless accusations they are, we recently found an old cease-and-desist...

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Monday, May 21, 2018 8:47 am

DOVER, DE--Insisting that he was "totally fuckin' innocent" as soapy water cascaded onto the establishment's floor, former Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly kicked out of a local coin-op laundromat Thursday after his bright-orange shag rug flooded a washing machine. "Easy there, cabrón--ain't my fault your...

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Monday, May 21, 2018 7:15 am

No matter what your feelings on the royal wedding are, one thing we can all agree on is that it happened. If you missed ClickHole's live-tweeting of the big game, here are some of the best moments from that special day of love.

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Monday, May 21, 2018 8:22 am

A lone right foot wearing a hiking boot washed ashore in the Pacific Northwest, making it the 14th such severed foot in the past decade. What do you think?

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Monday, May 21, 2018 8:12 am

LONDON--Touting the remarkable progress made towards broader cultural representation in the royal family, Queen Elizabeth II declared Monday that the British monarchy's recent diversity initiative was a complete success. "It is with great pleasure that I tell you all that the Crown's plan to introduce diversity into...

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Monday, May 21, 2018 7:54 am

MINNEAPOLIS, MN--Emphasizing that a proper haircut should never lacerate a patron's head, the CEO of Supercuts expressed remorse Friday while issuing a formal apology for the number of customers they scalp every month. "I want to personally acknowledge that even a single scalping is one too many for a Supercuts Hair...

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Monday, May 21, 2018 6:32 am
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Sunday, May 20, 2018 7:00 am

CHICAGO--Expressing his incredulity at the race participants' level of entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the impression they could just take them. "I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely...

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Saturday, May 19, 2018 8:37 am

WINDSOR, ENGLAND--Bemoaning their luck as they watched other wedding guests happily mingle over dinner, Meghan Markle's college friends confirmed Saturday that they had gotten stuck sitting at a table with the British Royal Family's sickly Habsburg cousins. "Ugh, of course we get saddled with the weird, pale cousins...

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Saturday, May 19, 2018 7:00 am

This week, pop band Backstreet Boys released "Don't Go Breaking My Heart," their first single in five years, alongside a music video in which they dance with a female hologram. What do you think?

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Saturday, May 19, 2018 5:00 am

WINDSOR, ENGLAND--Attempting to keep his past in the past while setting up a shot of newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, royal wedding photographer Geoff Kelly was unable to completely suppress his guilt over the 1997 incident in which he ran Princess Diana off the road in Paris' Pont de l'Alma tunnel, killing...

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Saturday, May 19, 2018 4:00 am
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Friday, May 18, 2018 11:30 am

WINDSOR, ENGLAND--Ensuring his college friend had a comfortable place to crash while in town for the upcoming wedding, Prince Harry led guest Arnold Hayweather to an air mattress in an unused side room at Windsor Castle. "Ah, here we are. I inflated the old boy pretty good, so feel free to let some air out if it's too...

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